They cancelled Huff. My show, the one I went in cold and loved from the first five minutes has been canned. Blythe Danner won an Emmy and they chuck it like yesterday's garbage. Media is fickle, fickle indeed.

California. I'm so there. Spoke with Lena last night, and even though we didn't discuss it, there's an understanding. I must be there ASAP.

Regarding Lena, she's my heart. Because we were so close when I lived in Cali, she's able to view me in ways I am reluctant to. My frustration over the unnamed incident she told me I give people more than their share of allowances. She bought up LoveNazi and this other thing and told me I need to start being a bitch. It's my kindness that does me in. I know there's truth to the "nice guys finish last" saying; I'm living it.  I have a habit of glossing over and ignoring blatant slights and then reliving the day's conversations and getting very angry with myself. I live in constant delayed reaction. I sit and ruminate, brood and get infuriated by others and myself. Confrontation is my biggest peave and it's avoided at all costs.

I can't say no. I want to, I make excuses because a small part of me is afraid of getting to that confrontational point. It is very hard for me not to feel what someone else is feeling. Most times, I feel things and don't know where they're coming from. When I come to find out, someone else was feeling that way and I was a victim of empathy. I try to push these things away.

I am so quick to dimiss a guy. Men are as worthless as a sixth toe. Yet, still I feel for them. Bastards. The point is, I can't seem to dismiss others in my life that are proved to be even more worthless. They get their lion's share and the hyena's and the meerkat's, too. I let those motherfrakkers steal my joy.  I need to change. I don't like to say I live for anyone else but I'm invariably helping those who can help themselves. This must stop.  Being the better person is crap.

Made some Boomer/CapricaSharon icons a ways back. Now, it seems fitting to post them.


    

I used a gimpshop writing brush from deviantart by iceytina.

I never really connected or identified with any one character on Battlestar Galactica. I mean, I fell for Tyrol and thought Kara was kick ass and fondly looked upon PapaAdama, but I wasn't vested in them insomuch as watched them through plate glass. When I watched that infamous episode and it plagued me with confusion, I realized I have a heroine.

CapricaSharon.

I thought back to the times she's been on the edge of good and evil. She protected Lee on Kobol. She still held feelings for Tyrol. She continued cooperating with Roslin even with her fate in the lurch.

I didn't have much of anything for her until I was faced with the thought of someone trying to break her down. She was already broken (and how many times do they have to smack her in the face?) there was nothing left to give. She doesn't know much about herself, her Cylon self. Things just come to her. A switch goes on and off and she gets what They want her to get.  I could go on further but this cold is making me lethargic

I am a bit traumatized by the last episode of BSG I watched a few days ago. I knew what was going to happen, however, seeing it made it more intense. Gah, where are the writers going with this? I'm beginning to hate the Pegasus fleet and Admiral Cain and love Galactica like a long lost child returning home. I wonder why can't they just jump to new galaxies and tell the new Battlestar "peace" with two fingers like a playa? I mean, come on! Finding out you're not alone in the world after you dealt with the fact of Cylons destroying humanity and continually attacking is work enough..
The goal seems to be make the human-ness of the Cylons prominent. Instead of thinking of them as toasters, I can see them as people with mechanical parts. CapricaSharon proved both her usefulness as a person and as a Cylon. Whatever she did to switch off the Cylon fighters in Pegasus saved the last bit of the human race. She is a Cylon, she doesn't want to kill them off. She has a baby and she wants to protect Baby's future and preserve her relationship with Helo (and Tyrol).
I wonder how it would be being something and not wanting to be it and finding out you're it and being alienated for it and having to deal with all that comes with it. It's kinda like being nonWASP in America. People say you're okay but they still mistreat you and cover it with kindness. And when they blatantly assault you, you become more and more aware of your usefulness to others as opposed to their usefulness to you. You are abused because that's the only way to communicate with you and you're not human. You may have human parts, look human and be human but you will never be. And you can't control who you are. It's not your fault.
But they made you and you evolved and now the creature they created is beyond their reasoning so they must destroy, dehumanize, annihilate it.
CapricaSharon is my antiheroine. She knows what she is and has accepted it. But she knows she's human, even if it's by way of Cylon fabrication, and she knows that her heart will lead her to the right place. Frak Pegasus. I hope the entire crew gets blindsided by a meteor and sent packing to the hottest, most torturous, desolate place in Hades. And their souls burn for eternity or come back as incarnations of the less fortunate who have to depend on others and feels shame every day and are thus shunned, abused and beaten. Because that would only be fair.  

Everwood, now that's real tv. Golly, the scene that just happened between Hannah and Bright makes me remember why tv can still be good. Not gonna talk about it in case you haven't watched it. I'll just say, decisions not to have sex are more valuable than having sex all willy-nilly coughOneTreeHillcough.

So I registered and of course I have six courses. And a HALF CREDIT LEFT TO GRADUATE. I wanna scream. Too tired, that math exam busted my ass. I think I failed. I don't want to think about it because all of the formulas dropped out of my head and I forgot to apply which where. I will try to make it up on the Final. The first exam I did fairly well but stupid mistakes could have been avoided.

No worries. It'll all be over soon. For once I am completely unspoiled for the new VMars. I dunwannakno. I'll wait to watch it on Sunday night when it reairs as usual. I still have hope for her, even with my reservations, I wanna love VM again. She's the gal. I want her to grow, I want her to be happy but I want that Duncan gone. Talk about the personality of a cardboard box. But I guess he's useful because of the being another dimension of Logan. I think they are the same but different degrees. They are Sibyl. You know the woman with the split personality? It's the same person but another level. I should write an essay on it. Maybe later. ( Related, somehow . . . Serenity those damn Browncoats )