I blame the hiatus.

I dreamt my pregnant cousin drove a rickety old car and let me drive it with her and my sister in the front. She did the steering and it was a wild ride. Then at a stoplight I glanced over and it was Jared Padalecki on a moped with some girl. I shouted, "I know it's you, Jared!" And he said it wasn't. The girl steered into an auto body shop and conveniently, the muffler fell off of my cousin's car.

We asked for duct tape to fix it and the guy behind the counter was trying to charge us ridickerus money for it. Jared and his girly girl were playing incognito but I leaned over and told them that she was hotter than him and I'd date her before I'd ever date him. They laughed it up. He was still in makeup from the show and had a faux bald head.

After we got situated with the car, he posed for some pics with us and was really goofy about it. He even showed me how to take a proper cameraphone picture because in the dream I didn't know how.

What was that all about?

Everything comes back throughout the day.

Eerily "Baa Baa Black Sheep" played somewhere in the distance. Last night I heard nursery tunes in my dreams. Now I know from where it came. I'm afraid.

Spoke with Tam. Some bully baby bit my Lamby at daycare. I dreamt about being bit through and through on the arm by some sicko kid.

I guess Tiff calling me "premonition girl" is not a misnomer.

Cos all I can recall from my dreams last night was the phrase: What makes you think I'm a bottom? You can all speculate where that came from.

Last night was killer dolls and Sunday was the infamous X-Men dream.

I seem to have blocked out the dolls but it was a result of watching the latest SPN last night.

The infamous X-Men dream bugs me to hell. I'm always some random x-kid at the academy who has a thing for Iceman and he's always looking longingly at Rogue who secretly loves Pyro. In the beginning, Pyro goes after the big no-no superpower machine and gets his powers and memory wiped. Storm and Jean Grey have to scramble to find his brothers to help restore his past. And he comes back healthier and happier (no sulky, broody moments). But then, the machine is broken and  because it is vital for some unknown reason, all us X-people must join hands under Monticello-like grounds to give it a boost.

And then what happens? I woke up asking Tiff the same damn question. I have never finished the dream to know.

I could never be a stay-at-home mom. Not long anyway. Being idle with no end in sight is a sad existence. Not a vacation, but sad and bum-like. No, I don't want to talk about it and I don't need the questions about how my job search is going. I'm in transistion. Bear with me.

A bit of a moody thing I am. One day I was all conflicted and the next I'm indifferent about the whole thing. Not gonna get into specifics just yet, gotta get my head right.

So far, I've taken to reading rather than doing exercises in my writing book. I feel ill-prepared to write anything. Can't tell whether it's laziness or just fear. This weird funk is keeping me from a lot of things. Possibly related is my dreams. This recurring dream about being on a runaway subway train driven by the ghost from Ghost(not Swayze). Only this time the reason why he was crashing trains was revealed and it was much bloodier than before. I mean, people on the platform were cut in half and the screaming was clear as a bell. I also dreamt about running on the beach with Lena in California.

This morning is a little nippy so I stayed in bed for as long as I could stand it--9 am. I know, it's pathetic. I feel like an infant, sleeping every couple of hours and not sleeping through the night. Even if I turn in at 3am, I still get up at six and lie there. Having a new hobby or something would be great right now. I think I'll bring my knitting over next time I return to the apartment. I hate feeling useless.  

 

Yeah, I watch That's So Raven. So what of it? Saturday morning bitches, I can watch what I wanna watch.

I should be in a better mood. Last night I had a hissy fit because Loony decided to clean out the fridge(like I did) and run out to the trash when I was going to go. I mean, the exact time I was. I got ready and she heard and made a mad dash. So I kicked her door and moved her shoes. Then I pulled a Rebecca De Mornay (a la Peyton from The Hand That Rocks the Cradle) and nearly broke my umbrella on the wall. Luckily, Kyle XY  was on and I rang up artamora and vented. Can't wait to leave this hell hole.

My dreams keep coming in irratic bursts. I told someone that I was scared to move from New York. Which is true because I can't drive, I don't have a job and I'll be far away from my childhood home. But then I dreamt Chad Faust was my husband and he walked around in boxer briefs all day. I am simple. And I watched The 4400 before falling asleep yesterday so that 'splains that. He happens to be born two years and a day before I was hatched, that might explain the attraction. Who am I kidding? It was the shirtless, boxer brief scene. I have such a wanton lust.

Another thing, I hate the Bratz. They are ugly and bad toys for children. That is all.

Kandyse is so purdy, why does she make the stinkface? Are ya taking tips from Sackhoff? That is all.

I swear to my gods! I had a dream last night where Joss Whedon was the owner of a comic shop/clothing store/gaming store and was hitting on my sister. He let me pick out clothes, which surprisingly I grabbed fatigues like the ones I'm wearing now. And he set me up with an Xbox 360 with an assload of games because he was that in love with Tam. It was a part of his plan. 

JW, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

My dreams . . . well they have been problematic. One was about being stung by bees as a result of my mother's hand. And one seemed like it was urging me to write. Literally, my unfinished ideas were put on display and I had to explain why I hadn't finished. The stress of Mother being here, even for a day is getting to me.

She went to church this morning. When she got back she took Loony to the store. I called her as they were getting into the car to berate her for not letting me know she was leaving. And I wanted a chicken sandwich(sangwitch, as she likes to emphasize). I can't be mad for long because she brought it, and fries and soda too. She also showed off the picture cd Tam sent her of the Lamby. I am so simple to be calmed by food. It is my weakness.

My massive headache is gone now too. I woke up with the pain and had three naps to try to alleviate it.  Taking a Midol must have helped too. Now I sit here, watching the Power Rangers Movie in Spanish on Univision. If I have not mentioned it, I have a habit of watching the Spanish-speaking stations and understanding about 4%. I use to watch novelas with my Nana. I usually end up asking Tam, who is fluent in the Spanish, what this and that meant later. Plus, I've seen more recent films in Spanish that I have yet to see in English(like Panic Room, which was pretty good and that one Elwood flick where he was a hitman).

I'm always gonna love the Power Rangers, even though they are a frakked up bunch of do-gooders.

EDIT: Strange it is, that the one few times Mother treks to NYC she's in the other room with Loony. I mean, I thought she was upset that she didn't know me and wanted to build a relationship. Why is she not trying? Not that it hurts or anything, it's weird.

Two days ago, one of the older students in my Aging course took one look at me and told me I was beautiful. Madeline had come back from having an angioplasty and that's the first thing she notices. She told me I must be feeling great. I was, I dunno why but I was. Maybe it was a combination of having Lamby on the outside and school ending and that other thing  that put it all on my face. Or it was me wearing color(baby blue) for a change instead of darker shades.

I wanted to treat myself to breakfast this morning but the crazies outside thwarted my will. One day very soon I'll be out of this hellhole. I'm sparing the details of shit-goin-on-at-home that is pissing me off because I feel I've been a whiny crab lately. And no one's called me on it, so I know it must be bad.

Don't know if I mentioned this or not...I wrote him back explaining that I needed time to process and I wasn't ignoring him. Horriblescope said don't trust your feelings today but get back to at least one of your gentlemen callers. Conflicting much? Yeah. Sunday was my deadline anyway, since I sent the email on Thursday. I hate that I know what's going to happen. Always a catalyst, never anything else I am.

Last night, I dreamt I was on the train and I had a fussy baby. He wanted to be fed and I felt out of sorts because I barely could handle him. He threw his bottle to the floor and hit me. I do not have babies on the brain and do not plan on having them anyway. It might be related to something else (of which I am reticent to divulge) and I am uncomfortable about that. So there, I am so simple and complex. Just so I don't forget, no babies and I will not change my plans for anyone. I am my own person.

I am starving. I have to make it to Tarjay soon so I don't keep eating dinner outside.

Last night I slept weird--from 6:30p to 8p and then from 11 to 2a and again from 3a to 4am. Yeah, and Ducky appeared in my dreams. Just when I thought I was getting away from it all. He replied to the note and started hanging around me. I found him sitting in my chair one time during class while I went to the toilet. But he had this cockblocking friend(not ol' girl he's always with) who interrupted every conversation we tried to start. Ducky let it happen and I didn't want to be rude and tell guy to 'fuck off' so I was silent. There was something about the bus and us running for it.

Yesterday's interview further pushed me over the edge. I don't want to move up in the Library system. I want to run away screaming. They asked me questions that were answered in the second interview. I know they had the notes from that session because I saw them. I got the feeling they were desperate and weren't willing to work with me. I know they aren't willing to work with me beyond my school schedule. I graduate June 1st and would be eligible for a fulltime(and more challenging position beyond "clerk") and they made no mention or question of my intentions. They asked what I wanted to do with my Psychology degree( "There isn't much you can do with that without going to grad school") and I told them. They were set to work with my schedule, which is days only for right now, even though when I applied more than a year and half ago, it would have been perfect. But I am graduating. There would be no need for a part time job in two months. I was told, there is a "possibility" for me to get a FT position. I don't like the situation at all. I know I'm worth more than this.

I said before I'd do anything, even shelve books, to get away from the bitchy bosses. But not if it means lowering myself. I am not stooping to conquer. Catherine, the Compensation Associate, has encouraged me to contact her friends who have a referral service for HR jobs. She continually urges me to do so. I have to work on my resume, is all. I can't imagine taking this job, without benefits when I'm planning on moving soon. I can't. My heart's not in it.  This reminds me of how Mother pushed me to go to my school, a specialized school for nursing, dental and the medical field. She wanted me to train to become a nurse and asked all the time about my enrolling in the program. I lied and avoided until it was too late because I could not imagine doing that. She stressed that when I went to college, I'd have a good paying job and not have to worry about money. Couldn't do it. Couldn't be a nurse like most of my family. They are stuck nursing, settling for whatever reason. I don't want to settle. Taking this clerk job would be settling. I make more money now (without benefits) than I would be there.

I called Tam last night for advice, but all I did was vent and she didn't pay attention. She said she'd call me back after her show was done, though she didn't. It was a bit discouraging cos I really needed sisterly advice. Well, it's my decision to make, so when(if) they offer me the position, I'll say I'm holding out till I graduate when my life is less hectic. I feel like a fool for giving up an opportunity but I know it's not for me. I wouldn't be happy. And I don't want to travel from the frying pan into the fire. I know they are aware I may turn it down, but I don't care