Of course, though, I don't believe in the Debbil but you know what I mean.

I spent the last two hours reintroducing myself to the Sims world. I had the original one way back in 2000. I had no life then.

Oddly enough, my horriblescope has been urging me to start writing. It's been months. Can't exactly call myself a writer anymore. People at work are shocked when I tell them I am. Guess I need to lay off the crabby-like shell masking and let myself be known. I always say what I should but I never do.

But I've started on a new book, Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose. Once I get well into it I can find my focus and get cracking. I need a serious monkey on my back to get back into writing. And I need to start carrying my Moleskine around again. The same ideas keep resurfacing and beg to be written.

If you have already felt the desire to do something as a writer, lakeisha, now is the time to do so. You certainly don't lack the imagination! The problem you have may be that you have more difficulties taking your prose seriously. Don't think so seriously about being a 'writer'. Just write! And above all, don't hesitate to let people read what you write. A writer's group would be a great way for you to come out of hiding...

That might explain why I couldn't fall asleep on the subway today. Damn drabbles tugging at my leg trynna be written.

They cancelled Huff. My show, the one I went in cold and loved from the first five minutes has been canned. Blythe Danner won an Emmy and they chuck it like yesterday's garbage. Media is fickle, fickle indeed.

California. I'm so there. Spoke with Lena last night, and even though we didn't discuss it, there's an understanding. I must be there ASAP.

Regarding Lena, she's my heart. Because we were so close when I lived in Cali, she's able to view me in ways I am reluctant to. My frustration over the unnamed incident she told me I give people more than their share of allowances. She bought up LoveNazi and this other thing and told me I need to start being a bitch. It's my kindness that does me in. I know there's truth to the "nice guys finish last" saying; I'm living it.  I have a habit of glossing over and ignoring blatant slights and then reliving the day's conversations and getting very angry with myself. I live in constant delayed reaction. I sit and ruminate, brood and get infuriated by others and myself. Confrontation is my biggest peave and it's avoided at all costs.

I can't say no. I want to, I make excuses because a small part of me is afraid of getting to that confrontational point. It is very hard for me not to feel what someone else is feeling. Most times, I feel things and don't know where they're coming from. When I come to find out, someone else was feeling that way and I was a victim of empathy. I try to push these things away.

I am so quick to dimiss a guy. Men are as worthless as a sixth toe. Yet, still I feel for them. Bastards. The point is, I can't seem to dismiss others in my life that are proved to be even more worthless. They get their lion's share and the hyena's and the meerkat's, too. I let those motherfrakkers steal my joy.  I need to change. I don't like to say I live for anyone else but I'm invariably helping those who can help themselves. This must stop.  Being the better person is crap.

Horriblescope is dead to me. It's conflicting and so full of shit today. I'm full of energy even though I went to bed at three am. I don't want to go outside today. My allergies are acting up again and it's making for an unhappy Lake.

I want to talk to someone, be honest about all types of things but yeah, that's not going to happen. I'm so fucking tired, I need to purge myself of the cobwebs hanging around. And I want to fucking smash something. Rocking out with Wallace for an hour this morning helped a little, though I am still restless. Gods, I wish I was sitting on the edge of the Pacific Ocean, waves lapping at my toes and wrapped in a towel. Cool air rushing past me and the caw of seagulls melodically in the background of my fantasy. This is tres frustrating. For the first time, I am uncomfortable with being alone. Alone at the moment, in the 'I need to speak' sense.

What the fuck ever. What has catering to everyone's whims done for me? Why is it I attack my needs and feelings but embrace others? Do I hate myself that much? Selflessness is a lousy way to live. You feel as though all your work is for nothing and you expect nothing. You give a little of yourself away until you see you don't know who the fuck you are without being something to someone else. Any expectations you allow yourself are quickly dashed because, of course, you never defined the requirements of your exchange with others. Everything's acceptable, nothing's forfeit, except you.

I thought about children. I seriously considered having one. But why? For someone else? Change me for some other person's benefit? Huh.

Like my horriblescope noted, I have been going through old things and trynna figure out how I got here from there. Way over there. I am so fucking stupid. I need to be honest, more so than before. Since finding closure to the LoveNazi situation, I have moved on. My mind flits over to that, once in awhile. But I am content. I say this now, as a record, that I will never go back to him. Love him, be with him, hope we were together. Hell no. My essence was stolen in that fiasco. Inside, I thought I'd be devastated by not having it there anymore. I mean, I ended ties with my purported destiny. I thought I would be regretful and sad. Sadness came from being stuck there, than releasing it. Why did I waste my time?

That also refers to another new development. Why isn't there anyone on AIM? I think I'll go read a book and bitch over that in my mind. Fuckedy fuck. 

...cos it's right. 

This lovely morning I wake up thinking about how much I hate LN and how much of a fool I've been for letting him back into my life. I was all set to type up a "this shit is over" email to him but then I read the horriblescope. It told me to wait on the sending because anything I write will be misinterpreted and it's better if I am there for one to understand. There was also another extended post about re-reading anything I email for clarity. PTB, I'm gonna wait on it then.

I'm psyched about going to Tarjay this morning. firelakie is simple, we know this.  She's anxious about buying food and a luxury item for my baby in Minnesota. This may be in response to not having money last week.

Later, I'll talk about my LN drama (see he's even back to being called the LoveNazi) so those of you who care . . . or don't, are forewarned. PTB, you know he's number one on my shit list? Wait. No time to dwell on idiotic boys.

Last night I watched some old school Veronica Mars and wrote an entry on that. Posting later.

Two days ago, one of the older students in my Aging course took one look at me and told me I was beautiful. Madeline had come back from having an angioplasty and that's the first thing she notices. She told me I must be feeling great. I was, I dunno why but I was. Maybe it was a combination of having Lamby on the outside and school ending and that other thing  that put it all on my face. Or it was me wearing color(baby blue) for a change instead of darker shades.

I wanted to treat myself to breakfast this morning but the crazies outside thwarted my will. One day very soon I'll be out of this hellhole. I'm sparing the details of shit-goin-on-at-home that is pissing me off because I feel I've been a whiny crab lately. And no one's called me on it, so I know it must be bad.

Don't know if I mentioned this or not...I wrote him back explaining that I needed time to process and I wasn't ignoring him. Horriblescope said don't trust your feelings today but get back to at least one of your gentlemen callers. Conflicting much? Yeah. Sunday was my deadline anyway, since I sent the email on Thursday. I hate that I know what's going to happen. Always a catalyst, never anything else I am.

Last night, I dreamt I was on the train and I had a fussy baby. He wanted to be fed and I felt out of sorts because I barely could handle him. He threw his bottle to the floor and hit me. I do not have babies on the brain and do not plan on having them anyway. It might be related to something else (of which I am reticent to divulge) and I am uncomfortable about that. So there, I am so simple and complex. Just so I don't forget, no babies and I will not change my plans for anyone. I am my own person.

( three lines on BSG2.17, we swears )

Why I love my Horriblescope: Quickie: Invest in some self-nurturing. What makes you feel loved, comfortable and safe? Overview: Someone else's problems are not your problems, no matter how much they want to dump them in your lap. It's tempting to try and make them all better, but resist. You have your own concerns to tend to now. There's only one person you should be concentrating on -- and that's you. Do something for yourself that feels just a little bit indulgent. You deserve the best, and only you know exactly what you want. Go get it!

Never a definitive solution worth shit. Little boss said something about someone going on unemployment cuz it's there. Not everyone has that option and city govt is a bitch when it has to give instead of receive.

That being said, Po called me last night. And she phoned again when she had to attend to some stuff. A first. So, just about three or four months gets me back into her mind. I don't know by talking to her I've surrendered and given in but I haven't done the Lakie thing and given too much of me. If any at all. I spoke on Top Model and other shows. She asked for advice on Tiff and her man situation. My horriblescope last week told me not to give advice unless I was prompted. I was. I told her to tell Tiff to fuck off. Don't wanna hear it but be there for her when shit falls. I'm not even gonna waste keystrokes on the matter cuz it's retarded. I still love them all but I won't invest my heart in deserters. Yes, deserters. Johnny-come-latelys. I give and they take and discard. I was strong last night.

Apparently, shit went down at the BBQ and I was happy I didn't attend. I don't want to leave my future to these people. I love 'em but they're damaging my calm.