Yeppers. When the hens irked me, I thought, I have a Bachelor's degree, bitches. I'm better than you. My supervisors are high school-level educated and moved up through 20+ years of ass-kissing. The gods should smite me for my candor. Work calls and I must obey. Recapping the graduation and celebration later today. Adieu. EDIT: I hate when my mother rings me during work. Like she was frantic, leaving two msgs. She left early this morning to return to PA. Tam has lost all sense. Mother broke the news Tam is moving to Illinois to be with him. More on this development later.
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So I lurve my Dee icons, you know? I'd do her if she asked. And that's not the involuntary celibacy talking. Kandyse, I will go gay for. No question.
My niece Donara? Is the cutest baby ever! Yes she is. Tam told me not to "leak" the photos of her so sadly I won't be showcasing the Lamb. Not yet anyway.
I am going to be random because I just am.
Last night I almost cried on the phone with Kat. She was trying to convince me that I was being too hard on LN and I should try to give him another chance. Fuck no. I promised I'd get into it later but I haven't followed through. Kat (or Sniggy) brought up some good points but I still am adamant about my decisions.
I miss Raia and Pim and Sola. I miss writing.
I want to get a degree in an applied science but I now realize my low self-esteem led to shitty grades and I don't have the chops to get into grad school. Yep. The workforce is me now.
Oh yeah, I also graduate tomorrow. | |
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...cos it's right. This lovely morning I wake up thinking about how much I hate LN and how much of a fool I've been for letting him back into my life. I was all set to type up a "this shit is over" email to him but then I read the horriblescope. It told me to wait on the sending because anything I write will be misinterpreted and it's better if I am there for one to understand. There was also another extended post about re-reading anything I email for clarity. PTB, I'm gonna wait on it then. I'm psyched about going to Tarjay this morning. ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) firelakie is simple, we know this. She's anxious about buying food and a luxury item for my baby in Minnesota. This may be in response to not having money last week. Later, I'll talk about my LN drama (see he's even back to being called the LoveNazi) so those of you who care . . . or don't, are forewarned. PTB, you know he's number one on my shit list? Wait. No time to dwell on idiotic boys. Last night I watched some old school Veronica Mars and wrote an entry on that. Posting later. | |
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Two days ago, one of the older students in my Aging course took one look at me and told me I was beautiful. Madeline had come back from having an angioplasty and that's the first thing she notices. She told me I must be feeling great. I was, I dunno why but I was. Maybe it was a combination of having Lamby on the outside and school ending and that other thing that put it all on my face. Or it was me wearing color(baby blue) for a change instead of darker shades.
I wanted to treat myself to breakfast this morning but the crazies outside thwarted my will. One day very soon I'll be out of this hellhole. I'm sparing the details of shit-goin-on-at-home that is pissing me off because I feel I've been a whiny crab lately. And no one's called me on it, so I know it must be bad.
Don't know if I mentioned this or not...I wrote him back explaining that I needed time to process and I wasn't ignoring him. Horriblescope said don't trust your feelings today but get back to at least one of your gentlemen callers. Conflicting much? Yeah. Sunday was my deadline anyway, since I sent the email on Thursday. I hate that I know what's going to happen. Always a catalyst, never anything else I am.
Last night, I dreamt I was on the train and I had a fussy baby. He wanted to be fed and I felt out of sorts because I barely could handle him. He threw his bottle to the floor and hit me. I do not have babies on the brain and do not plan on having them anyway. It might be related to something else (of which I am reticent to divulge) and I am uncomfortable about that. So there, I am so simple and complex. Just so I don't forget, no babies and I will not change my plans for anyone. I am my own person. | |
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One o'clock. Jeezalou, I want to nap. But ppl who don't have jobs must make all kinds of horrendous noise and I can't. I had to put on some DMX. I claim thug today. Just one class today, cos I haven't taken one day in Physics this semester. I deserve the day off! I was productive today: I called my Nana and invited her to my graduation, called Mother and got her address to send a Mother's Day gift, I finally uploaded those David Blaine photos and I considered cleaning up. Considered is the key word. I said I was lazy. Last night, Lena and I talked via MSN Messenger and really caught up. I forgot I never told her I was an "impure sinner" like her. Yeah. See how insignificant that thing was? She gave me some advice about my new drama (with all the information I haven't discussed yet) and called me on my "gonna go after him anyway" mindset. I also got some insight into the young lady she's become. I forget sometimes that she's a kid at points and her having a 4 yr old is only half of who she is. Soon, she'll have a nursing degree. I'm proud of her. I'm sure I couldn't do what she does, being a mother, going to school and working 16hr shifts at times. I am sitting on replying to him still. I don't know what's wrong with me. There's a mix of making him wait and not knowing what to say. Reluctance to open an emotional can of worms is my biggest fear. Years of half-healing and locking away things has made me numb. Well, maybe not numb but wary. I can burst into tears if I think about something so random that reminds me of those feelings. While I was trying to crop and edit some pictures, I glimpsed photos of him in a folder. Let me tell you the freak out that almost happened! I had to tell myself, "we're not ready to look at you right now." And to think, only a few weeks ago I was opening up about the past and having conversations in my mind to create closure. Powers that Be, I miss therapy. If I could afford it and had time, I'd be there, crying my eyes out. I wanted closure, I wanted a chance. Things I've done in the past, never to be mentioned, I hardly ever expected to hear from him again. Someone I loved so much. And I'm being stagnant. I'm paralyzed. Okay, I can't get upset when I'm about go to Psych of Aging. We're on Death and Dying, I don't want to make a scene. | |
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Kanye West (grrr) produces the track and adlibs a lot on it. It relates to me greatly at this juncture. I also get a little funny when he says: "Yo, Keyshia" at the beginning cos it's like he's calling me out. That's my name(even if I don't spell it the same way; I'm a Keesh or a Keisha but you know that). I think, what if I said I'm through with Adam? Would it hurt as much as holding onto a fantasy? I'm conflicted.
The line that gets me : I'm so over you/ got no more to give/ I gave it all to you/ and you couldn't handle it/ and I don't care / if you come back to me on your knees/ I just don't love you no more. Unfortunately, Kathryn thinks I'm a fool for not taking the initiative by giving him my number and giving him more than I did. My response: What the fuck ever. April 2004 I made an ass of myself telling him that I loved him and he gave me one of those 'okay, I didn't know you felt so strongly' lines. I don't regret it, just feeling it was wasted on this dude who was in life for a moment. I could have told Bobby I loved him--shit we were together ten months! Adam, we went to school together but our circles never overlapped until late junior year. And even then we were apart. It took two stepping over a month or so---gah! I'm making a molehill out of a mountain I know. Kat warned me about this. I give people outs. I do it all the time, I downplay things for myself and it gives them the easiest way out. Damn me for being a nurturer type. Even with this, I know he's like me and thinking the way I think in our dealings. Sometimes with him I felt like I was talking to another version of me, like a parallel universe me. Granted he was a bit crazy . . . but he was me nonetheless.
I can't know what's to be if I don't ask, huh? Gods, I hate and love being a Cancer. Hardshell crab who remembers every thing, every feeling, and is emotionally driven. Why? Which brings me to another thing: the ladies and I, we are the Cardinal signs, the signs of the seasons. Tiff is Aries, Po is Libra, Snape is Capricorn and I'm Cancer. It is a bit strange we never noticed that we always stood, sat or were in a group the way our signs were laid out in the Zodiac. Thought it was worth mentioning since I bet I'll never shake those heifas even if I tried.
Well, gotta get ready to meet Snape at the Park. Later days. - Tags:ln, love
- Mood:awake
 - Music:I Changed My Mind - Keyshia Cole
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That'll never happen again. 'nuff said. That thing I was gonna do that I did and it turned to crap, yeah, well shall never speak of this again. That shit never happened. Poof. I'm not angry just amused by how others are and how resilient I am.
So...I caught up with Moe. I love that girl to pieces, she keeps me grounded like whoa. What the frell!! Gotta type and not watch Supernatural at the same time. Right, so Moe tells me all about myself so suscinctly and effortlessly: But I know you're gonna give him an inch when he comes swooping through out of the fucking blue demanding a dicking football field. It's sooo you. To give people a little bit when you know you shouldn't cause they're fucked up. I really miss Moe, her and I use to talk almost every day a long time ago. She's on the marriage track by the way she tells it. Her boyfriend is head over heels in love (he decided to tattoo her initials on his ring finger). That's love or just crazy.
Sounds a bit like me for thinking about Adam the way I do. He's flip-flopping. I don't want to talk about this.
Supernatural has murdered me. I hate hate hate them. Guess that means season two is a go. Gonna read my magick book and put away thoughts of guys for a night. | |
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Ah, yes. This version of The Outsiders is tres slashy. Those missing minutes added back reminded me of oh, a certain show that shall remain nameless *coughSupernaturalcough*. Ponyboy and Sodapop, OTP, yes. Maybe even a little bit of Johnny/Dallas, but a girl can only dream. Special Editions are the best inventions ever!
No, I haven't done it yet. I'm paralyzed. I have no clue what to say, or how to approach it. I called Tam and she told me take my time and not to do it if I don't feel comfortable. I can't leave him wondering. But I can't force myself to do something I don't want to. It's so simple, a little thing and I cannot for the life of me do. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I might say. All my feelings and fears have been shored up inside a dark place and it was secure there. Anywhoo, I'm gonna man up and attempt something now.
EDIT: Bonus materials. ADAM FRIGGIN BALDWIN screen tested for the movie. Yes, a shock to see a fluffy-headed AB in a non-badass role. Uh huh. Highlight of my day.
EDIT2X: So I sucked it up and replied. I'm done. It was concise and didn't give away any omgz-Silas-you-know-I-love-you-forever-but-you-hurt-me-I'll-fix-you hints so I'm good. I guess. Have no idea what's to come of this, but in the meantime I'll finish watching the ROTK and anxiously await my DH and Grey's tonight. Cherrio! - Tags:ln, love
- Mood:calm
 - Music:The Outsiders - The Complete Novel
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How much do I hate Kathryn right now? A lot. But how much do I love Kathryn? Even more. My friend, my confidante in all my Silas adventures, has declared I seize the moment and tell him everything I need to say. She also went on to describe every bit of confused and happy I was feeling but fighting. In her crafty little mind I'm supposed to marry dude, and have an Army brat son so that she can be his godmother(she mentions that he'll probably resemble Ducky with the hair due to his father's Jewish side). This is why I hate Kathy. That sniggling heifer!
Alas, I am angry because she is right.
I do want these things though I believe I will not have them. A little place in my heart is there for these dreams. I live in reality where I'm plotting a hostile takeover with Ducky, graduating BC and running away to Vancouver. My other half wants these things. Tiff asked me how I felt and I told her: "17 year old Keisha". More than ever, I want to push it all away and never go there again. I know I have avoidance issues. However, thinking about it, I do give him respect for letting his fingers do the typing after two years.
My first reaction was that I wanted to faint. Eight in the morning, work's about to start and I get this? Then I thought, what the fuck could he want? I don't need this right now. I have a life, I'm going through some things I cannot deal with this. My Gods. Kathy has encouraged me (threatened is more like it) to "make shit happen". Yeah, I'm putting my thoughts together as I type. This is the last thing I need right now.
Moving on, Mother phones me today and she's all quaint and happy. Scared the shit outta me. She's needling me about graduation now...what are you going to do with your hair...what dress are you going to wear. She doesn't know me at all! I'll go nappy and in culottes if I wanna. But since I invited my stepdad, I'm gonna have to be all girly. I also surprisingly got a ticket notice from school this week. Brought up that dread that my childhood is over. No more school hanging over my head, I'll have degree in hand. But it's only a ticket notice, not the end of the world. - Tags:ln
- Mood:apathetic
 - Music:Huff Season 1 - The Good Doctor
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Argh, this has to be the worst writer's block I've ever gone through in my life. I can't see the end of this because I don't feel like writing. I want to but can't. I have ideas from way back when but they can't make their way to the paper. Must stick to my "if I don't think about it, it doesn't bother me" mantra.
Moving on, no luck reaching Tam. We've been playing phone tag for days. We spoke for five mins Saturday but not our weekly chats. I miss her.
Yesterday, I almost rang up Paula. I dunno why. Thinking about it, I dunno if I miss her or feel obligated to make amends. I have thought: If I never speak to her again, it won't bother me. But I don't feel angry with her. I feel . . . nothing. Can't explain. Don't wanna. Tiff is inching her way toward being chucked as well.
Dreams. I picked up the Reader's Digest in the lobby and it had an article on dreams. Good stuff. Made me recall the When-I-was-Wentworth dream. It makes sense now. I was going to thrown curve balls and it was my job to dodge or knock them out of the park. Too much fixing others' problems. Rambling, got a lot on my mind.
'Fore I forget, tomorrow I have that interview with the head of the MBO. I'm kinda nervous. I want to move up in the company but am comforted by my "cushy" job here in HR. I will end up making less than I have here but working about half the time. It's about a grand less yearly. Who knows, I don't have to take it if I don't want to, but I think I will. Two and half years is enough for me here doing the lowest-rung work. I have opportunities all around me, I need to motivate myself to get out of the rut. If it means six months in a branch shelving books, then I'll take it. I have greater goals. And I'm graduating June first. Opportunities come a'knockin'. | |
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